Many things have happened lately. They were really difficult months, and they stay almost the same. It's kind of stressing thinking about them and how to solve all those problems.
First, my mother, one of the most important support in my life, moved to Santiago, I can only see her at the weekends and talk to her by phone. As a result, I had to care of my grandfather while working some hours a week. They were two hyper-stressing months, till the first week of May when I almost colapsed: my grandfather fell and didn't want to get up and walk again. Then I repented. I said myself that I shouldn't have taken so much responsability on my shoulders. It wasn't my duty, at least, it wasn't only mine. It should be shared. I didn't want to change diapers and become a slave. I'm not a nurse not even a good housewife. If that situation would have continued, I'd have been found hanging from a tree. Fortunately we found a good place where they could take good care of him. He is at that place now. A good place, though expensive. There comes another problem: money. My mother uses almost all the money from her salary to pay that place. And I'm her only economical help. Then, a new responsability comes for me. I can't take care of myself only: I have to take care of my family too. So I HAVE to work. There's no choice. I thought that this kind of responsability would come later, when I decide to have children and a family of my own, but it came some many years sooner than I thought.
Now, I can't escape. I have no way out. I can't leave this place, I cannot take the risks I would like to... and I'm lost. Completely lost. I have no idea where to walk to. I would have liked to continue living in Santiago, getting a job at anything I like while I feel comfortable doing it. I've never worried about making a lot of money, I know that's imposible for me and my profession, so I've only cared about having enough money to live in peace. But now is different, where I live there are no many options. And I've never really liked this city, it's kind of boring. It makes me feel trapped, as if time stops flowing. My house has the same effect.
What can I do now?
I'm alone most of the week in this house that I've always feared and I've never liked since I was a child.
I spend my days talking to myself, eating alone, 'cause there's nobody here sitting at my side, I can't say 'morning nor even good night and sometimes being with too much people feels weird. I could even begin maiking a personal record about how many hours I spend without talking to anybody. I feel weird, as if have no life. What's the point of living a life without a purpose, those kind of lives are useless. I don't mean to pity myself, but I'm really angry and frustated. It's really frustating not to have something you like the most. I have no passion for anything. I've searched for so many years, and nothing has fullfilled my likes. Once in life I believed I'd found it, but it has dissapeared. I watch people. Everyone does what they like the most, everyone has a life. All my friends or people I know is doing something and I'm doing nothing. Just staying in a house which is not my house, working in something I'm not sure that I like, and feeling trapped in a motionless mass. And the worst part. I can't do anything for anyone, I try, but how can I help someone if don't know to do anything? I don't know how to cook, so I can't cook cookies or cakes as a gift. I don't don't know how to repair things, I don't have a car, I don't have a proper house, not even an extra bed. I have nothing to offer to anyone. Only myself, but that's the problem. "I" am the problem.
I love some people, and I know some people have good feelings towards me. But at the end everything stays the same. I can be with people around, talk, but at the end of the day and the week, I still sleep alone, pay my debts, and try to figure out what will happen then. And the only conclusion that I get, is that I'm living for myself. I can't live for someone else. I've lost friends or I simply don't have them. And it has been that way for so much time, that I can't do anything now. I'm used to not having friends or knowing anyone or talking to anyone. I'm getting used to being alone. And it makes fear the worst: I will stay the same, I will be always alone.
Now there is another problem. I'm in love of a worderful person that I don't deserve. I've always thought, feel and believe that he deserves someone better than me andd that I'm not the correct person for him. And I'm sure he'll realize there is somene better just beside him, and I won't be able to do anything about it. I can't change what I am now and I can't make time flow faster. I can't become a mature person from one day to another, I can't become a real woman that a man needs when I'm just a scaredy-cat.
I wonder what can I do now. I wonder how can I continue with my own life if I'm so distracted by everything that has happened. Now I'm feeling sad from time tio time, like falling into depression. I living in a house completely alone, I fear to bring more problems to my mother as she can colapse, and I don't want to transmit all my troubles to my boyfriend as he could get tired of me, or my problems.
What can you do when don't feel motivated to live?
I don't mean I want to die, if it were for me I'd be inmortal but that's imposible. But since this year began, I have no motivation to do anything. I just want to fall sleep all day, think about stupid things, or think about someone else. I wonder when that motivation to continue on will finally arrive to my heart. Not even love has saved me from my own built hell. I wonder where should I look to find what I need.
Ok. That's all for now. Hope I find all the answers. Forget about my English. I didn't check what I wrote, it was just like a stream of consciousness. Hope next post will be more positive.
See you next post...
